Tumblr is taking its own sweet time downloading today, so it seems. But I’m not going to let this keep me from posting something after such a long gap of…”wordlessness”. This is supposed to be a gratitude journal, dedicated solely for keeping tab of things I am thankful for (snippets of my other written stuff are meticulously archived at http://www.missclarisse.com by the way, and yes, I haven’t forgotten about that either, I just haven’t had the time) but absence does not necessarily mean my life hasn’t been showered with blessings as of late. In fact, consider me floored with such a flood of great things happening all at once the past couple of months though I couldn’t find the time to write about them.
Nor the inspiration…because it hurts.
It hurts? How is that at all possible, you ask? When you’re granted with something special on borrowed time, you have a blast…and you have the time of your life until the day comes when it is taken away once again. And to me, acknowledging my gratefulness for the blessing equates to acknowledging the fact that it’s over (for now). So I took my own sweet time to express my gratitude. But here I am now, as thankful as ever! My parents came for a visit and stayed with us for a month and a half. Those were nothing but good times. The best of times! Borrowed times. I’m so thankful for having had the chance to be with them and to be there for them in the little time that we shared. It breaks my heart that we cannot be together all the time now like we all desire, not because they are not here for me (I’d like to believe that I have a very independent and free spirit, so don’t worry about me, I’m fine for now) but it’s BECAUSE I’M NOT THERE FOR THEM — in their twilight years, when I know that each moment that passes, each sunrise, each sunset, takes a day away from what remains of their lives. And now I am green with envy at those people who have the opportunity to be there for their aging parents (despite faults, occasional temper tantrums, adult memory lapses, the infamous consequences of generation gap, technological ignorance, physical limitations, blunders and all). It’s an old song I’ve been singing like a broken record for a while now. I still cannot fathom why I, with my ever thinking level-headed heart, never saw this coming during those times I made such life-changing choices. If I can only find a way to be at two places at one time now, because my heart is at two places at one time! And I’m not of the stupid league either. Perhaps I am. Or just blinded by love for my spouse, probably? For me to choose to be thousands of miles away? I long for the day when I can gather all the people I care about within arm’s reach. Quite a long shot, isn’t it? Quite selfish. Yes.
Maybe I was just naive about my parents, period. I remember writing about this four years ago: http://teacher-c.blog.friendster.com/2006/06/the-voice-of-twilight/
I’ve always thought of my parents as super heroes who will never get sick and old. But didn’t we all? Until something bursts our bubble…sometimes, not even. Because even the reality of them having been sick and vulnerable sometimes doesn’t even change that state of mind (or wishful thinking?…or clinging?) Even that summer of ‘88 when my mom was first diagnosed with breast cancer (which she continues to fight and survive after many recurrences —surgeries and treatments— to this day) or that 4th of July of ‘08 that left me being a wreck for many weeks on end after finding out that my dad — my superman— had prostate cancer (which he also thankfully continues to fight to this day, with much thanks to God’s instruments: Brachytherapy and some other wonders of modern medicine).
Call me a naive and clueless kindergartner on denial. Or a helpless adult stuck in the stage of bargaining. But I still hope and pray to God everyday that they remain to be the ever dynamic indestructible super heroes of my childhood, happy, healthy and strong forever.
And that we will all live happily ever after.
[Oh don’t burst my bubble right now. At least not this one! Not yet.]
[Please?]
